Saturday, February 25, 2006

Just one last time of advertising for Brokeback please? pweety pweety please?

for those who haven't already jumped on the gay bandwagon, what with the upcoming mardi gras and all, do so quickly! ; buy the dvd from malaysia, borrow from homosexual friends, download it, whatever.

one of the most poignant films of all time, Brokeback Mountain definitely lives up to its Oscar hype, unlike lesser Mountain films such as Cold Mountain.

and it definitely reinstates Jake Gyllenhaal's place in my heart.

___________________________________________________

god i wish i knew how to quit you..
tell you what,
truth is.. sometimes i miss you so bad i can hardly stand it

i think its 5:33 PM now

was looking at the old photos from jc,
and man! my complexion was flawless.
FLAWLESS.

okay, now still flawless
but mostly i get red most of the time
like hot flushes or somewhat
i can just be sitting down doing practically nothing
and i'll just blush.

i seriously discredit it to the HUGE amounts of exercise that i do
and all the herbal pills and birds' nest i consume.
fine i'll just take birds' nest every other day instead of everyday

haha

i think its 12:05 AM now

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

oh i watch BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN! couldn't resist.

such a gorgeous show, such a gorgeous show.

i sat there for the entire 2 hours, without moving, except for once to reach out to the box of kleenex.

i'm such a dork!

i think its 11:29 PM now

Asian Aerospace 2006 has officially started.
and so has my mother's nightmare.

yesterday, i walked into her room and it looks as if Katrina's big sister blew past it. and then out from the middle of a mountain of clothes, i heard an exasperated "i have NOTHING TO WEAR!".

i surveyed the heaps of clothes strewn across every inch of space and then i was like, "DUDE, you'd think!?" So, today, i was delegated the all-important task of being her personal shopper. Went around everywhere searching for something "sexy but decent" cause she's signing her contract tml!

how can something decent be sexy? that's like saying Mother Theresa is sexy.

my old man has a huge pimple on his nose..
HAHAHAHA so adorable lah!!
so i advised him to smear some toothpaste on it
although he was kinda doubtful about it

the ONE TIME i walk into Mango
out of so many times of walking past it
guess what song they started playing the minute i stepped in?
Akon's Baby i'm back.
i was like, wtf? and skittled out immediately.
i never really liked mango,
now i won't ever step inside again.

on the other hand, everybody should go to zara. it's like so cheap. i bought 3 shirts at 35 each!

listening to: Survivor - The Search is Over

i think its 10:46 PM now

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

That's cool. You're sorry.
Because that fixes absolutely nothing.

i think its 12:02 PM now

Monday, February 20, 2006

yoga KILLED me today. the postures and poses are getting so incredibly difficult that even the very bendy me can't do it. i'm contemplating quitting but i figured i should stick it out since my body needs a mind-blowing transformation.

MOS that day was fantastic. we got in without having to queue, straight into the VIP line. so far i'm lucky to get in without having to queue that impossible line. gawd, there were still people queueing at 2am! poor suckers. learn from me la. get to know rich, show-off brats who have excellent club-circle connections. heh

stayed in 54 most of the time, cuz they were playing retro! i almost cried out loud when they started playing Madonna's Open Your Heart.

crawled into bed only at 5am when i had paper the next morning. Haa, but it's all cool. Good thing that i didn't study though, it wouldn't have made a difference anyway.

i'm really surprised at how fine i am, despite some.. stuffs. i don't know why, maybe it's because i was so sick of the lying and the waiting and the running away. i don't quite believe in friends after love; look how that worked out for the people in my life. one by one, i let them drift away. i allowed time and distance to wear us down, just to claim the freedom i have now grown to love and hate.

you really shouldn't have told me that.
you really shouldn't have cried while telling me that.
what's the point? if it's so good, why are we letting it go?

there will perhaps be many unspoken words, illegible expressions and the occasional nostalgia. there will even be nights when i'll think back on those nights we went to sleep hugging each other; that blinding trust, that foolish innocence, that comfortable love. but i know i'm fine. Better yet, i'm great.

because you don't have to be with someone to love someone. and i know what we had, people can spend a lifetime searching for that one thing that can make them feel the way we do.

i might have to draw on strengths that i can't be sure i have, but somehow i know, after putting my heart out there all these years, ever since sec 1 with mr you-know-who, that's the only way to love. giving it all you heart
all your mind
all your body
all your soul.

i will shrug off the temptation to calm up,
because i am impatient with those who resist love after having chosen it, who don't endorse it fully. Why not love love?
Why let pride wear it down?

and so, i'm taking a chance.
i'm taking a chance on someone who just might be slightly better at knowing and loving me than you.

maybe only then can i truly forgive ourselves, for fucking our friendship up, for saying some things we shouldn't have said, for not saying some things we should have said, and for not being able to resist something we both know is grave wrong.

Still, i'll go forward with the age-long belief that sometimes, just sometimes, following your heart might be the next best thing to trusting it.

that said, i know i can never be completely happy until you are.

and i'm not gonna be completely happy because if destiny could be changed, and the rules ammended, there would be nothing in this universe that could have kept us apart.

i think its 12:01 AM now

Friday, February 17, 2006

and i'm leaving,

because i felt a part of me, way deep, untether from you.

i'm leaving because that part of me that was unmoored was an unmanagable beast, roving like a predator through the world, hunting for something to feed itself. I could never understand it. Now i know what it was.

It was my heart.

i'm leaving because i was faithful to you and did not feed that thing inside me until it would not be satisfied with anything but true love.

i'm leaving because there developed, without my really knowing it was happening, a kernel of resentment, alienation and lonliness that sat inside me as i moved through my daily life, walking, talking with people, studying, and always searching, searching in secret, for something else, some other life, some other road to a kind of happiness that i thought, perhaps, might exist for some lucky others, wondering why that could not be me, or if - even more terrifying! - it could.

i'm leaving
because if we talked about it, you'd maintain your position staunchly and finally convince me that i was bring ridiculous, selfish, foolish, or mean or whatever you needed to say to win the fight.

I'm leaving because you were a better fighter than i was;
you could fight the way you feel,
you could fight doing the right thing,
and you could fight those demons that came to take me away.

And very early on, it became clear to me that it didn't pay to fight you, that i would only lose, even if i was in the right.

I'm leaving because there is no other life than this one that we are given, and to live it as if it belonged to someone else, no matter how beloved, is wrong.

I wish alot of things. But i don't and can't unwish my happiness; I can't unwish my chance at happiness, at life, at a true life where no part of me is left to wander and wonder and crave some mysterious thing it does not have.

you were right.
this thing with us is very special, and it would be very difficult to find. but maybe that's how it has to be.

Leave it as it is, untarnished, unbroken, perfect.
Because that's what it was - perfection.

i think its 11:58 AM now

Thursday, February 16, 2006

What the hell were they thinking? How could they have played Damage's Forever and Richard Marx's Right Here Waiting BACK-TO-BACK?

why couldn't they like, played Barbie Girl or Macarena or something.

-farts in their general direction.

i think its 12:14 AM now

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

"Deal with it, by letting it deal with you."

not anymore.

-

i bought a $145 bob marly shirt from skin.
am a happy camper.
at least until the next jeans crave kicks in.

i think its 9:06 PM now

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

exactly one year ago today, i was on the plane to zurich, bitterly spending my v day 3000ft above the only person i really wanna spend it with.

one year ago i was flying high in every sense of the word.

i'm not reading horoscopes anymore.

i think its 12:37 AM now

Friday, February 10, 2006

i am fully armoured for my electrical test tomorrow.

and my triglycerides level (fat content) in my blood is marvellously low; a mere 70 on a healthy range of 80-150.

SHOCK HORROR SHOCK HORROR SHOCK HORROR SHOCK HORROR

i can safely resume my compulsive french-fries-eating disorder.

i will not tell you all the things i'm dying to say
everytime you look at me
i cannot do that to her

//you hold all the cards

i think its 9:49 PM now

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

$18 for an issue of Vogue is wayy to expensive.
$18 for an issue of Vogue with Kate Moss on the cover? now that's priceless, priceless, priceless.

miss mossy is my fashion muse. sadly, i do not get $5,000,000.00 for posing for Burberry. therefore, i cannot afford that $8,000 chanel bag. i can only settle for the $5,000 one. where is my short, ugly, follice-challenged, flithy rich lover when i need him/her?

Hell, i don't even give a flying fuck about the gender. Just tell me you love me and and bring me to Morton's (my favourite steak house in singapore) and preferably with a tiny blue bag from Tiffany and co. I mean, cmon, i'm not asking for that much, am i?

i love love love my new hair!! i wish i had a personal hairstylist.

then i won't have to spend hours every morning getting that tousled, just-fucked bed-hair.
okay yes although i don't do that but think how nice it would be to have that kinda hair?!
and while we're on this topic, i also wish that i had a personal shopper, and a personal dietician, and a personal trainer, and a personal assistant.....

you can see the direction that i'm heading and no, we don't wanna go there.
life has so much of wants and desires, it doesn't mean that we have to act on them.
i mean, if i did act on them, i would be really skinny and have gone through a dozen face reconstructions to look like miss mossy.

anyhow, electrical lab's an annoying bitch. i'm off to bed to dream about my skinny legs...

i think its 9:58 PM now

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Do you remember how we..
do you remember talking until..
do you remember holding hands
do you remember eating the..
do you remember wanting that..
do you remember laughing at..
do you remember kissing slowly..

i think its 9:11 PM now

Monday, February 06, 2006

Happiness is good health and poor memory. I, unfortunately, have neither.

A cup of green tea a day keeps the dull skin away!

went to town to scratch my itch for shopping. ended up blowing away my week's allowances. NO more after-school specials for me, no. unless, like, i really can't find anything to match that hideous top i got from the tribeca sale.

Love is in my head; but Freedom is in my soul.

how can something so beautiful be so painful ?

i think its 11:16 PM now

Sunday, February 05, 2006

how gorgeous is that ?

i think its 10:14 PM now

i am powerless when anyone is great with kids, especially if its ken and maxine.

it is just so endearing.

audrey your blog struck something so deep in my heart; i almost cried reading it. all those things i couldn't bring myself to admit, all those emotions i tried so hard to keep at bay, all those questions i drove myself insane searching for answers that seem more elusive by the minute..

for the longest time, baby. for the longest time..

i had to stop by the side of the road.
i couldn't see through all the tears
to get through to you..

i think its 12:18 AM now

Friday, February 03, 2006

the look upon your face as i walked away
a mix of disgust, sadness and disappointment

why is it always so impossible to say no to you?

it's a friday! but somehow i can't wait for monday to come.. i can't wait to go to school!!! there must be something seriously wrong with me. like, my dna was swapped, or something.

it was definitely not in my blood.

okay, maybe it was, just for a little while in sec3. but since then, nah.

KATE MOSS. VOGUE. NOW.

i think its 11:58 PM now

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

But when Bette says "i'll miss you" - twice - Tina doesn't reply.

And to that i can only say Fuck you. Twice.

i think its 11:53 PM now

the way you looked at me today's like, - Whoa.

it utterly snatched my breath away

Be careful, i could get used to it.

I had the best chinese new year day thus far. although i was still suffering from the all-nighter marathon mahjong, it was marvellous nonetheless. the banluck, the tarts and the shrieking.

Thankfully, my chinese new years don't consist of pseudo-smiles and forced conversations over Yeo's chrysantemmun tea, or half-hearted handshakes and civil but punctuated laughters over nothing remotely funny.

I actually enjoy talking to my relatives; blood or not.
I actually enjoy holding a normal, non-invasive conversation with them; funny or not.
I actually enjoy discussing where i got my hair done, nails done, what are my plans for the future, what i think about the fickle weather, where i bought my top from..

Mainly because they talk about me lah :D

ultimately, i adore cny because, for VERY obvious reasons, the sexy red thing married people give after i wish them gxfc!, and well, it's just another excuse to stuff my face with more food. the steamboat today was unbelievable. so was the charade after.

dreaming about you dreaming about me

i think its 12:54 PM now