Sunday, October 31, 2004
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!! i've been to town 3 days in a row.
somehow, it doesnt feel like i'm taking my A levels.
i think its 11:48 PM now
Saturday, October 30, 2004
oh what are you doing to me, what you are doing to me.
i cant believe it took me THIS long to realise you only like to wait for things to happen.
how you swore you're gonna bubble-wrap my heart.
you asked me if i liked you, i said no.
you asked me if you were pretty, i said no.
you asked me if you're in my heart, i said no.
you asked me if i would cry if you walked away, i said no.
you walked away, i grabbed you by your arm and looked you
straight in the eye and said - "i dont like you, i love you. you're not pretty, you're beautiful. you're not in my heart, you're my heart. i wouldnt cry if you walked away.
i would die."
you walked away anyways.
i think its 1:30 AM now
Friday, October 29, 2004
and if you call that love
then all it was -
a pocketful of nothing but
of suicidal love
if you call that love
then love should be a crime.
see, unlike you, my brutal quest for individuality did not stem from having a silver spoon in my mouth growing up. a gold spoon out of reach it was. i fight for what i want. and i always end up getting the best. unlike you - meek. submissive. conceding to fate. why else would you think i direct all my attention towards you, my only outlet for being imperfect?
i sacrificed my mind, body and soul - more prominently moral compasses that have been indoctrined in me to practice altruism - on the altar of your impeccable immaturity going further southwards. when it comes to you, my hands methodically cut the corset strings that have once tied my heart to my mind. those two would be seperately considered; i will never say what i mean. i will never mean what i say.
your thrist for love reminded me in a powerful way how much of my family i take for granted.
i think its 11:48 PM now
how i stay in shape.
i think its 1:27 AM now
Thursday, October 28, 2004
i need a lover to give me
the kind of love
that will last always
i need somebody uplifting
to take me away
i want a lover who knows me
who understands how I feel inside
someone to comfort and hold me
through the long lonely nights
till the dawn
why don't you take me away
*Dreamlover come rescue me
take me up take me down
take me anywhere you want to baby now
i need you so desperately
won't you please come around
'cause I wanna share forever with you baby
i don't want another pretender
to disillusion me one more time
whispering words of forever
playing with my mind
i need someone to hold on to
the kind of love that won't fly away
i just want someone to belong to
everyday
of my live
always
so come and take me away
Dreamlover come rescue me
take me up take me down
take me anywhere you want to baby now
i need you so desperately
won't you please come around
'cause I wanna share forever with you baby
i think its 10:32 PM now
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
i love the way you love me
strong and wild
slow and easy
heart and soul
so completely
i think its 11:27 PM now
Saturday, October 23, 2004
mom booked a club at suntec for my 18th birthday bash ! yippee. there'd be a DJ, a live band and a bartender. you guys would be recieving your invites anytime soon. yippee. i canNOT wait. yippee. INVITES ONLY. so if you didnt get an invite, too bad. you're probably not cool enough. yippee. -lets out a low, wicked laugh.
seriously, seriously, would rather take the 5 thousand plus and spend it on clothes and shoes and bags and gifts and good foods for all my friends. and maybe get that sex swing i saw on the internet. hahaha (proceeds to runaway, dig a mega hole and jump in)
BUT THEN. "it'd be a night you wont forget for the Rest of your Life."
so a swingin' party it is. better brush up on your dance moves! esp.. YOU baby!!! but i'd imagine you'll dirty dance so darn well..
i, sheepishly, will admit i listen to oldies. blah. how the hell am i gonna tell the DJ what to play? i cant possibly expect everyone to be listening to Rod Stewart or Boyz II Men right? they might very well chop up my unhoned hip-hop-doubtful self and feed it to.. well lets see. vegan crocodiles? meeting him next week. !@#$%& so darn ex. i should think i can be a DJ too? just chi-chik on the turntables, put together some mixes, wear ghetto style, and BANG. i can earn few hundred bucks an hour. BLAH.
however, 'should' is a subjective reality. i Should be studying, i Should be bound to my table, i Should fanatically flipping through what i can only call a tattered and dog-earred piece of parchment that i, albeit occassionally, like to hug it to sleep.
my my. for those out there who've came here in search of clean articulation, i'm at best apologetic for my gibberish ramblings. for tonight, if you will pardon me, the MISSY is not in fantastic mood.
i'm 5 weeks away from a liberation i've come to hate.
i think its 7:08 PM now
Thursday, October 21, 2004
what you cannot stand:
1. no salmon no avocado no HL milk no apple wine no godiva truffles no fruit salad
2. not having mummy by my side
3. the idea that Kerry might win
4. you not in my life anymore
5. pimples on my face
You enjoy:
1. kissing and making out
2. white wine after dinner
3. SHOPPING
4. spending time with my family
5. watching simple life
people you love:
1. mummy
2. the zoo people - jan, geraldine, audrey
3. pantyliners
4. Marc Jacobs ala Mr. Louis Vuitton
5. you
Things you carry with you:
1. my motorola
2. my atm card
3. your face in my head
4. moisturizer/dior's lip blam! [full of riboflavin, Vit C etc]
5. topshop's privilage card
What you do not like about yourself:
1. nothing! i love ME ! nah, i'm too selfish and self-absorbed
2. i often say things without thinking twice
3. i could do with some height
4. my inability to open up
5.
Bad Habits:
1. i must wash my feet a dozen times before i go to bed
2. i only use 3 ply/4 ply toilet rolls
3. leaving my $$ lying around
4. i have to spend at least 1 hour getting ready - therefore, my punctuality. or lackthereof.
5. shaking my legs
You will NEVER forget to:
1. wash my feet before sleeping
2. think about you
3. kiss mummy goodnight
4. buy magazines every week
5. watch O.C
You ALWAYS forget to:
1. put my shoe back on the shoe rack
2. stock up on pads (sanitary)
3. watch animals mating on Discovery Channel
4. remind you how good you look?
5. go for my facials
What you will never wear:
1. anything from giordano/bossini/hang ten
2. non-ironed clothes
3. a S & M black leather strap
4. a slutty nurse outfit [still considering..]
5. - [everything else is pretty much fine]
The things you will notice about someone else:
1. clothes. DEFINITELY clothes. you are what you wear.
2. face next. i'm a huge face-ist.
3. how he/she walks or sits
4. eyes
5. SKINNY LEGS !!! dont ask me why. i adore people with skinny legs
You will never be with someone who:
1. LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE
2. works too hard at impressing me
3. expects alot of commitment
4. doesnt have family values
5. is boring. and therefore cracks fucken lame jokes
Your other half is one who:
1. is caring and sensitive; someone like my dad
2. has a sense of humour - self-deprecating, and with loads of sarcasm
3. is street-smart and dresses Very well.
4. will rub my feet at night
5. oozes confidence and naturality
What you and your other half quarrel about:
1. nothing. i cant be bothered.
What you like/would like to do with your other half(or best friend)?
1. squeeze into a couch and talk about nothing with zoo people
2. hugging you till we both fell asleep
3. eating an expensive, romantic dinner
4. soaking in bubble bath with ...
5. try a new position HAHAHA
i think its 10:27 PM now
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
the girl/boy you're with's gotta be your best friend.
i think its 10:45 PM now
my mind's gonna blow up and be fed to aliens.
have you thought it through carefully? do you really wanna become a doctor? are you very sure?
i've only asked myself that question like, a jillion times. every day, every minute, it fills my mind. i cannot think of anything else. i cannot speak of anything else. if i do, the mother would slightly, but very subtley chide my suggestion at anything other than, Medicine.
its for my best, ultimately. i know that too well. but a huge, gnawing part of me wants to stay here in singapore. if i only knew why.
very contrary to popular belief, i can wash my own clothes, i can cook my own meals, i can even do grocery shopping on my own. hell, i even do that all the time. but i dont wanna miss my goddaughter growing up, i dont wanna miss my parents growing old and getting cranky, i dont wanna go knowing i'm going to miss all the family parties, all the gatherings, all the love.
despite being very much self-centered, as the mother always like to gently hint, i know if i stay here, all of them - max and the entire crowd - will be getting all the love i can ever give. its disheartening to even tell max and watch her eyes stretch wide with horror. it wrenches me apart.
i think its 10:20 PM now
i think its 10:05 PM now
Saturday, October 16, 2004
"no1 ever spoke lyk u rhino
u jus spoke wot i reli felt in my hrt today"
i solve things for people, unintentionally knotting the own problems i have.
with every second, my mind threatens to swallow and fold up, bereting the unjust i am treating it with. my eyes shudders and close - it doesnt want to see the empty space where my heart once was.
wot do you say when someone asks you, "have you ever been in love?"
the both of us, we are like two snails trying to out-crawl each other. sometimes i win and i get to forget you for a fleeting moment. and then you overtake my pace because ultimately, you Always get to win.
i watch you saunter into the room and in all boldness and audacity, snatch my heart away with your bare hands. only you dont tug hard enough; all that is left are tendons and fibers attached to my bleeding, beating, disembodied heart.
with every second, it beats harder to impress you.
i love you.
i love you more.
no it cant be, i love you more than you love me!
its a wonderful game, isint it
i think its 11:59 PM now
Thursday, October 14, 2004
okay i've decided. for the rest of my life, if ever i feel im in need of some laughters, i will just have to go to jan, geraldine or audrey. :))
if there's any girl that i wanna make out with, IT HAS GOT TO BE VANESSA. lol yeah! let's turn some guys on! :D
oh by the way? i dyed by hair dark blonde. the colour's not showing up yet but the guy said it will in a few washes. if it doesnt.. i'm gonna do bleaching!
the only reason why everything's all right with us? because i really really dont give a damn. and im not just saying the words. there's a problem? okay, i'll flick it away. i cant stand the way you _____ [fill in irritating habit here], i'll ignore it. after a while, the actor in me takes over and it gets easy. its like, Oh, what's my next line? Right: "i love you."
i really like diesel jeans.
i think its 8:45 PM now
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
i tapped my pencil about a jillion times before i finally got down to filling in john hopkins's freshman application form. on my desk, howling at me like furious vultures, are UCLA's, stanford's and Uni of Texas at Austin. who am i kidding? john hopkins? i'll get struck by lighting 42 times before i'll get into med school.
i'll just send the forms to make my parents happy.
i dont know if its gonna be easy, leaving singapore. leaving my family. leaving my "comfort zone". but i sure as hell not gonna try.
sometimes, the urge to run away becomes so strong. i wanna leave this stinky place. i wanna have picnic in a creek and not worry about the stinging weather or when the taxi fare is doubled at midnight. i want to have polite conversations with friendly grannies, about the weather, about our day, about nothing at all. i want to search for myself, even if it means realizing i cannot live alone.
i picture myself packing my belongings into a huge duffel bag, hitching it over my tired shoulders, waving goodbye with my left hand; my airticket in the right.
and then the picture fades away. and i'll be running back home, tears smudging my mental mascara, clothes torn, hair wildly in place.
such a tempting preposition.
sometimes its easier to say goodbye when you're too involved. it'd be harder to leave, but it'd be easier to let go.
if i dont make sense, thats because you dont understand.
i'll go where the indecisive wind takes me.
i think its 8:57 PM now
Sunday, October 10, 2004
you ripped my heart to pieces, stepped and thumped on them, gave a little hoot, and then asked if i'm okay.
remember how you made me crazy?
remember how i made you scream.
i can finally say "throw on my favourite pair of jeans". thank you giorgio/emporio armani. you guys are like, siblings, right? although wearing them i feel so horny cuz its a little tight around the crotch. -_-
i think when i saw you singing, i realized the place in my heart that has always been reserved for you, grew into a larger, empty hole.
i think its 10:44 PM now
UCLA? Stanford? John Hopkins? University of Austin, Texas?
NUS. -nods.
what a slap in the face. after all that we've been through, you dont know ONE thing about me.
cant you tell something's wrong? you know what. dont bother.
anyway. that day at armani x, i was so effing pissed that i couldnt get to try on my tee. complanied to the mom, so she's going down there tml to bang some tables. dont you Just Hate customers like us. but you're the one earning 5 bucks per hour so SHUT THE HELL UP.
i think its 1:17 AM now
Saturday, October 09, 2004
i would very much like to say i'm a par-tay animal, that i really like to sit in clubs and pubs and drink and dance and get drunk. that i like to have a ciggie in my hand and a vodka in another. but it would be a jet-black lie.
if you know me at all, darling, you'd know i hate going out at night; i love to stay indoors at nights; i love to snuggle up in my bed, under the duvet, reading a heart-warming novel in my big oversized t-shirt that says "i heart New York"; i love to be very cold and thus wear chiffon slippers and pajamas; i love to drink the steaming hot raspberry tea and eat a lemon chiffon cake; i love to go to bed at 11 promptly and off the soft, orange lights that once flooded the room; i love to be able to wake up at 6 without feeling that life is unjust, and then i'll smell bacon and coffee and pad down the stairs to find Molly, my dog, waiting for me by the table with the day's newspapers between her canine teeth.
and then i will love all the beautiful things in life without much capacity left to love anything or anybody else.
i think its 11:16 PM now
tomorrow will come when i'm all-ready to face the world alone, hypocrites, bitches, bastards, faux-saints and all.
not tonight. just not tonight.
i think its 11:06 PM now
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
i have enough drama today to last me a lifetime.
colin called while i was studying at airport. i dont think i've ever seen him so mad. i dont think i've ever seen ANYONE so mad, for that matter. he howled and screamed like the ah-beng he is; punctuated, broken english. but it hurt all the same.
i was cradling my phone, trying my best to rummage for smth in my haversack. all the while battling the swamping urge to cry. i think it must have been what, 3, 4 minutes, before i gave up and plonked my head down. and i really started to cry, right there, right then, at coffee bean.
at first, it came in silent and muffled sobs. after that i was just shuddering.
how do you stop crying ?
it is not easy messaging 7 people simultaneously on my godness-of-a-fucking-phone that is so effing difficult to type. spent TWO full hours just sms-ing. then i decided to off my phone.
went to meet jan ger and aud for dinner. i was almost flinging myself over the steep canyon of depression, staring into blank space at cityhall's steps, enjoying the solitude and the sounds of greenday cheering me down.
but then i meet them and suddenly, all the darkness dissipates almost immediately, and i feel like im home again. and ironically, they didnt had to do anything. when i saw jan and i hugged geraldine, i knew there's nothing, nothing, more sacred than the 4 of us.
giving you guys up ? FAT HOPE.
so we spent the next 4 hours giggling like schoolgirls, taking photos with my phone, dissecting our love lives, squeezing into the small couch, complaining like crazy but secretly relishing the closeness.
shimin says to not give a damn becuz that's what she wants.
she makes so much sense its amazing.
i think its 10:03 PM now
Monday, October 04, 2004
im gonna be alone at home, save for my maid, this whole week. boo-hoo.
sara from top model is sexy and so fuckable. -licks herallover-
i dont care what they say, im loving
i wish i could make this entry less dry but im so yawnish.. i wanna get non-degreed specs but mom says it just throws you off. will it? i think it will make me sexehhh haha
i think its 11:50 PM now
you know what. i'll be mellow about this and let you have your go at it. i mean, afterall, you were once Very Sweet to me. and i was once Very Vile to you. but i think you deserved it. you were A Fucking Third Party in a relationship that i can only call "perfect". that's what people call a... uh i dont know err err .. a SLUT ? ? -rolls eyes.
knnbccb. hell, this is funn. if you have an issue, SAY IT TO MY FACE
wow. its amazing how you can still pull things off like that.
it eats you up inside, doesnt it.
she hates you too
you guys know who im talking about lah hor.
see i can go from zero to bitch in 3 seconds flat.
there's only ONE PERSON in this world that can make me lol at my phone. VANESSA
went to audition for fcuk model cuz that guy asked me to. but im too young!! sob.
i dont know wot turns guys on like two girls having a go at it. whats up with that!? haha :D
arsenal won charlton atheletics 4-0!! WOOO !! henry is fantastic. he scores goals like the green curry my maid cooks. precise and HOTT
godiva chocolates are orgasmic
i think its 11:42 PM now
i think its 9:33 PM now
Sunday, October 03, 2004
you walk into the room, and my heart still does a little skip.
-
if only you could look into the mirror and see how fucking ugly you STILL are.
i think its 9:50 PM now
time dont do me justice.
you know how i always wanted to live in a castle/palace/chateau? well, i have, for the past 2 nights. the Ritz Carlton virtually opened my dream and dragged it out. i have a fucking personal butler, for bob's sake. he swings by every now and then and offers me sinful brownies and hors d'oeuvre. the housemaid cleans my
and the service is impeccable. you walk thru the swinging doors, everyone looks at you. draped in shades and designer wear. thats practically everyone at ritz. and the gym. fucking state-of-the-art. i dont think i've seen that many treadmiles and machines in my bloody life.
last night, we went to this Cuban bar. got so fcuking drunk i could barely stand still. but i talked to baby for a while and i was fine. (: had magaritas. and a tequila fire shot. plus this mixed bailey's thing. nearly puked all over the carpet..
i could have held a party in the bathroom.
i swear, bartenders are FUCKING CUTE.
kinda pleased with wot i bought.. walked like crazy but ended up buying everything from guess. hah. got myself another pair of jeans. about $200 plus. but if we spend $250 or something, there'll be a free gift.. so i got another jacket. hahhaa another $250. lol ouch.
so back to reality. not gonna go sch unless absolutely necessary.
oh one bad thing bout the ritz. there were so many weighing machines everywhere, but NONE of them tallied. i tipped the scales at 46 kg at my mom's room. 49 in my room. 48.5 in the steam room. 47 in the gym. so wots my weight!?
-shrugs. oh wells. shall just take the average.
the robot in bicenntenial man is called andrew. haha nice name.
i think its 9:45 PM now
Kim